Paean to TGRA (The Great Rat Above)
| Dear Warm ‘n Cuddly All-Loving Superbeing in the Sky,
Why have you taken our bats away? More accurately, why can we no longer swing them, knowing as you do, that this is a semi-important capability for a softball team playing our arch-rivals, the DLA Headhunters?
Game One started typically. In other words, through four innings the Rats managed to post four consecutive bagels. Of course, this is not terribly difficult when you only get two hits in sixteen plate appearances.
Fortunately, Frank “The Beast” Hufschmid was on the mound and brought his ‘A-game’ so our evil and foul-smelling opponents were equally bad at the dish. Frank was ably backed by solid-and-occasionally-spectacular defense. Collin “Leadoff Hitter Extraordinaire ” Toh turned in the standout play of the day, when he fielded a dying quail blooper in short right with his back to the infield and, in one motion, twisted his body and fired a strike to force the runner at second. Hot damn!
In the top of the 5th the Rats managed to get the offense going. By ‘getting the offense going’ we mean taking a few walks then squeaking out a solitary run before leaving the bases loaded.
The top of the sixth saw the Rats double their lead when Adam “Do I Really Need to Run That Far?” Persson alertly stretched his leadoff single to reach third base on an overthrown ball by the defense. And, the Rats once again doubled the lead in the top of the seventh inning, taking advantage of a leadoff error, two singles and a sac fly.
So, with a 4-0 lead to defend, the Rats took the field in the bottom of the 7th. >cue the foreboding music< However, despite batting a meager .290 as a team, the Rats held the Headhunters scoreless and the game was in the bag!
Special notes must be made of the terrific pitching by The Beast, who tossed a hitter for his first ever complete game shutout.
Futile Gesture Award for the game goes to Phil ‘Vangina’ Van Dine, who hit safely from the 2-hole in his first two at bats since the Reagan era. The futility part results from the fact that these were the only two hits posted by the 1-4 hitters. Which brings us to the …
DumbAss Coaching Award for constructing this lineup!
Naturally the same four were at the top of the order for Game Two. Let’s see how they did, shall we?
Rats 1-4 batters in the bottom of the first inning: more of the same (single by Vangina and 3 outs). Sigh. So much for playing the odds.
Despite the antiheroics of the top of the order, the Rats managed to post three and two runs in the 2nd and 3rd innings respectively, with Chip-N-Dale Cappetta going yard. A further 3-spot in the 5th put the game out of reach, with the Rats winning by a final score of 9-3.
In a reminder of how the universe always seems to balance the scales of justice, Frank K’d and had to buy the rest of us beers … on the same day he pitched two victories, while allowing only 3 unearned runs! Thanks, dude!
Thusly did the Rats extend their string of improbable victories to remain perfect for the decade!
Batting Superheroes: * Adam “Seriously, Doesn’t Anybody Else Wanna Coach These Losers?” Persson – 4 for 6 (.667), 3 runs scored * Kevin “Apparently I Hit Better When I’m Coming Off A Bender” Weisgerber - 4 for 6 (.667) * Daniel “Wow, Did You See That Play I Made at Third?!!” Heng – 3 for 5 (.600), sac fly, 1 run
Batting Plucky Sidekicks: * Phil “Can a Brother Get a Little Help at the Top of Order?” Van Dine – 3 for 6 (.500), 2 runs * Brian “I Promise to Do Something Massively Stupid Soon So I Can Get a Nickname” Porter – 2 for 5 (.400), BB, 2 runs * Phil “Sport Playa” Lafferandre – 2 for 5 (.400), BB
Batting Innocent Bystanders: * John “Chip-N-Dale” Cappetta – 2 for 6 (.333), HR, 2 runs * Steve “I Should NOT Be Leading Off Innings FOUR Times, You Clowns” Davis – 2 for 6 (.333), 2 runs * Matt “Please Ignore The First Game Performance” O’Malley – 2 for 6 (.333), run
Batting Evil Henchmen Cannon-Fodder: * Frank “The Beast” Hufschmid – 1 for 5, K, shut out pitching, 0.00 ERA for 2 games!! * Len “I’ve Been Hitting the Cover Off the Ball” – 1 for 6 (.167) In The Cleanup Spot (and that one hit was a measly blooper that had no right to fall safely)
Batting Super Villain: * Collin “I Think I’ll Stick With My New Hitting Stance” Toh – 0 for 5 (.000) In The Leadoff Spot, BB |
