GURB Your Enthusiasm
| Once again the Brewerkz River Rats of softball took the field versus our fine-feathered friends and arch-rivals, the Canadian Heads of Moose.
In what has become a depressingly familiar refrain this season, many Rats confirmed during the week, only to see a discomforting number cancel the day of. Well, King Rat is back on Wednesday and will doubtless kick some major ass for all you flaky (yet not buttery) types.
No matter. Channeling the spirit of the Great Ur-Rat in the Beyond (GURB), the attending Rats dug deep, tightened the laces, slapped the gloves and pulled out a top-notch batting practice and warm-up session.
In a startling reverse of the usual pre-game bonhomie, default coach and newly minted megalomaniac PHat gave the troops a somber reminder of their ‘talent-lite’ situation. The combination of inward-blowing breezes, plus mushy balls, abetted by a near-total lack of team power and buttressed by a season-long history of hitting lazy flies necessitated a new team-rule-for-the-day to encourage line-drive hitting. To whit: every second fly ball a batter hit would result the hitter being compelled to purchase brewskis for the team.
(This was clearly a move of utter coaching brilliance, for there are only two possible results: massive inebriation and/or lots of line drives. Of course, your humble scribe might be a slightly biased interlocutor.)
Game One started as so many recent games have, e.g. a complete lack of offense in the opening frames. However, trailing by a run going to the bottom of the 3rd, the Rats came alive. Starting the inning with a solid single was Cap’n Ronbo, who returned to the field of play after rehabbing from his 612th surgery. (Still can’t throw overhand? Tough shit, pal, you’re starting at second base because there are guys even worse off than thou!)
Not content to rest there, the Rats next four batters also reached safely with all scoring. Well, nearly all. The Beast Hufschmid managed to complete the seldom seen baserunning daily double by committing two errors on the same play! After running through a very clear and highly demonstrative STOOOOPPPPP!! sign from the 3rd base coach, Ol’ Beasto ran straight to the plate and interfered with the Moosey catcher, who had already dropped the ball, and was therefore called out. More amazing, we were so stunned that no one thought to place the pink hat on his head!
Regardless of the baserunning delights and amusements, the Rats ended the inning on top by a 4-1 score. Strong pitching and defense kept the Moosi off the board while the Rats posted another run in the bottom of the 5th.
The top of the 6th, though, saw the Moosish Ones strike back. El Beastie, who had been pitching a whale of a ballgame, suddenly lost the plate and the combination of walks and singles saw the Canucks load the bases and score twice. It turns out, however, that Frank pitches better when angry. We learned this because the coach went to the mound and ticked the Beast off. The result – no further Mooses crossing the plate for the rest of the game, and the Rats won 5-3.
Most remarkable Game One stat: No pink hats and no beers via fly balls!! (In fact, only 5 fly balls in 30 plate appearances.)
So, it was unilaterally decided that the double fly-ball = brews rule would be made cumulative for the day, not per-game as originally envisioned. Was this a sign of canny coaching to reinforce good behavior, or simply a crude ploy to get beer into the dugout? You be the judge.
After a short break where the lineup was shuffled according to a secret technique that involves removing something from one’s posterior, the Rats lead off Game Two. Chad ‘Still Searching for a Nickname’ Garcia started things off right, stroking a single and coming around to score the first run of the game when the following two hitters (HJ & Sport Playa) also singled.
Then, one of the rarest things in slow pitch softball NEARLY occurred. With runners at first and second, clean-up hitter Shooter McGrath hoisted an additional piano on his back and manfully swung at a sub-optimal pitch. What happened next can only be truly appreciated if you recall the theme song to Chariots of Fire and imagine the super slo-mo scene of running … of running … running……
Ground ball to third … the fielder has it … steps on third (one out) … fires to second (two outs) … <daa naa naa naa NAAA naa, daa naa naa naa naaa) … the second baseman fires to first … it’s gonna be close … the ump desperately wants to give the big punch-out for the triple play … Shooter is lumbering towards first … the fat white softball is soaring toward the open mitt … Shooter lunges, every sinew in his body straining … the first baseman stretches … annnnnnnnnnd
THANK GOD TIE GOES TO THE RUNNER!!
And the Rats avoid the triple play. Naturally, the next batter flew out weakly and inning was over.
Now, we give Bill a lot of crap, both in the dugout and on the website. And all of it is 100% deserved. But he has been swinging the bat well of late, so maybe he’d respond to the challenge with the grace and aplomb he so occasionally exhibits.
Bill’s Game One Line: single, double play, single. First AB in Game Two: single. Uh oh.
Well, at least he is a model of consistency! And he did hustle home from first on Shooter’s two-out double in the right-center alley, so some measure of redemption was achieved.
More importantly, the Rats extended the lead to 2-0, though the Meese closed the gap to 2-1 in the bottom of the 4th.
The Rats doubled their tally with two runs in the top of the 5th on Chad’s rabid romp home when a mis-handled ball in the outfield rolled to the fence.
The bottom of the 5th saw the Impressively Antlered Northern Animals score four to take a 5-4 lead over the Rats.
In the sixth the Rats went weakly, with Steve “Ask Me to Go Mountain Biking With You” Kreutter supplying the apparently necessary double play ball.
Then, in the top of the 7th, trailing by one, down to their last at bat, with their perfect record for the decade on the line, greatness called. After accidentally placing that call on hold, Ronbo answered with his third hit of the day. PHat followed with a sharp single to right, and Dave “I Also Need A Nickname” Bosco loaded the bases. Late arriving but psyched to play, Justin “The Ump Can’t Call Me Out for a Baserunning Blunder If I’m Not On Base (Right?)” Patwin hoisted a bat for his first plate appearance of the day. The result: a sac fly and a tie game.
After a walk to Chad re-loaded the bases, HJ came through with another sac fly to push the Rats into the lead. Sport Playa completed his feast-or-famine day by lashing a single to score an insurance run. And after the Mooseheads went quietly in the bottom of the 7th, the Rats pulled out an impressive 7-5 come-from-behind victory to keep the string intact.
Most remarkable Game Two stat: Again, no pink hats and only 5 fly balls in 34 plate appearances. But fly ball brewskis were earned, so refreshment transpired.
Hitters Dean’s List: * HJ Trombino – 4 for 5 (.800), 1BB, 2 runs, sac fly * Chad Garcia – 4 for 6 (.667), 1 BB, 4 runs * Sport Playa – 4 for 7 (.571), 2 runs, 2 GIDP :-(
Hitters Diploma Earners: * Cap’n Ronbo – 3 for 6 (.500), 2 runs * PHat – 3 for 6 (.500), run, new rule breaker * Happy Place – 3 for 6 (.500)
Hitters Detention Earners: * Shooter McGrath – 3 for 7 (.429), GIDP (oh-so-close to a GITP!) * Dave Bosco – 2 for 6 (.333), new rule breaker * The Beast – 1 for 4, (.250), BB, strong pitching when angry
Hitters Expelled From School: * Silverback Steve – 0 for 3 (.000), but played through the pain (in loafers) ‘cuz we only had 10 guys * Unka Steve – 0 for 3 (.000), GIDP, new rule breaker
D-Day … Has No Grade Point Average: * Justin Patwin – n/a for pi (.eee), sac fly, no baserunning errors |
