This past weekend saw the Brewerkz River Rats return to the fields of Southeast Asia international tourney softball in typical, if not fine, form. As has been the case for the past 19 years, the Pangaea Cup served as the backdrop to glory. The 19th edition, however, took place in a new location, the former US air force base Clark. And, as befits an airfield that saw many fighters and bombers soar off into the wild blue yonder full of hope only never to return having been shot down in flames, pulped, shredded, munched, folded, spindled and/or mutilated, the Rats performed not dissimilarly to our heroic-but-fallen compatriots of yore.
Mumbles and PHat arrived a day early to survey the scene and pronounced the beer cold, the hotel mattresses lumpy and the gnocchi excellent. Indeed, so far so good.
Then— suddenly! Dramatically!! Things … began … to … happen!
First – other Rats and, in fact, other teams began to arrive in Clark. The Rats put in a strong showing at the Thursday evening coaches meeting, especially in the environs of the buffet line of crudités, hors d’oeuvres, munchies, small bites, and, of course, the inevitable snacks. Also there was beer. Cold beer. Lots of cold beer.
After an evening of light-hearted frivolity, highlighted by a three-way Parcheesi death match between Hong Kong Turkey-turned-Rat-for-the-weekend Mike Hutchinson, Peter “I Gotta Buy a Last Name” Frank, and local boy Matt Brill. All three lost.
The ensuing morning saw the Rats assemble at the hotel staging area, looking calm and rested and ready for the arduous 10- maybe 12-minute air-conditioned minivan ride to the fields. Debarking from said conveyance upon arrival at the Parade Ground fields, outfielder Kenneth Kaufman, doing his best impression of Will Smith doing his best impression of Muhammad Ali, screamed "The champs are here, the champs are here," to no one in particular. Oddly enough, those words were to prove prescient, if only because our arrival meant that all teams were, in fact, at the fields. Well played, sirrah!
Game One for the Rats was vs. the Meralco team, featuring a pitcher who throws the same damn unhittable unlimited arc high pitch against us every year. After a crisp and professional well-nigh crushing victory in the coin toss event, the Rats took the field and promptly surrendered 4 runs. Undismayed, the Rats put up a pair of runs in the bottom of the first and second innings to tie the game at 4 apiece. That joyous time proved to be short-lived however, as Meralco plated 5 further runs in the next three frames to take a 9-5 lead. But, after trading further solo runs, the Rats surrendered meekly by the final score of 10-6.
Highlights of this game included FOUR, count’em, four K’s, so there was plenty of beer in the dugout to refresh us for Game Two courtesy of Max Suderow, PHat, Matt Brill & Mike “Hutch” Hutchinson. Despite these offensive anti-heroics, the Rats batted their tourney game-high .553 (21 for 38), including a 4-4 from Eric “Mr.” Anderson and a 3-3 from Mumbles Vertlieb, while only one Rat did not hit safely. There were no walks, no sac flies, no double plays and no extra base hits by the Rats in this game (yes, that means 21 singles!). So, how did the Rats manage to score so few runs? 11 runners LOB. Oophh! Body blow!!
And, lest your scribe be accused of favoritism, let it hereby be recorded that PHat either (a) gave it his all in the absence of input from the third base coach by attempting to score from second on a ball hit to the outfield, or (b) is a total moron for not assuming that the base coach’s studied indifference to providing any information whatsoever was actually a signal to discontinue forward progress. Bill “Sport Playa” Lafferandre has already voted on this subject, selecting (c) “JACKASS”. Cast your vote in the Comments section below!
Having successfully cooled their bats in the second half of Game One, the Rats kept up that torrid pace in Game Two versus the Tokyo Cocobay Stingrays by authoring three 3-‘n-outs in the first six innings, counterbalanced by a pair of gently scored runs. The opposition, of course, scored early and often.
Not helping the cause was Rats left fielder Peter “I Gotta Buy a Last Name” Frank who taunted the Stringrays man-mountain catcher, nicknamed ‘Cutie Pie’. Said pie of not inconsiderable cuteness promptly went 4-4 in the game, hitting ball after ball over Peter’s own not-especially fetching head. "I stopped encouraging Peter about two outs into the second inning," remarked left-center fielder Tramer Ray. “But Peter, y’know, he’s not too bright.”
Once again, the team batted a respectable .424 (14 for 33) on the game and had NO strikeouts. Only one batter failed to hit safely and PHat went 2-2 with a BB and had an enormously satisfying to watch strikeout of the opposition’s #5 batter on a pitch tossed 30-40 feet high. Max and Stacy Fender also had multi-hits plate appearances, and Tramer & Max both homered, with the latter one coming on a towering fly ball to medium-depth center field in the second inning that was badly mis-played by the opposition.
Showing the kind of alacrity and, dare we say, spunk Max scampered around the bases. "BOOM," yelled Max, crossing his hands in front of his midsection in the universal ‘Suck It’ sign, and excitedly greeted team mates on the bench with ecstatic chest bumps. "Seemed like an overreaction to me. He should act like he's been there before. Kid is so ugly," remarked third base coach Sport Playa Lafferandre.
(Of course Max got his comeuppance a few frames later when he misjudged a line drive to right and watched the ball dribble all the way to the fence. There are rumors that Stingray players expounded some "BOOM" comments of their own as Max was forced to run after the ball.)
Otherwise, the defense largely looked solid but unspectacular with one GLARING exception: Verlieb. Forced into playing third base for the first time since Pangaea Two (The Wrath of Khan), Mumbles kept the game close with some acrobatic plays, particularly a highlight reel-calibre reaction play on a line drive ticketed to left field. "My hand hurts," mumbled Mumbles. "But like a true hero of mine once said, 'A champion is someone who gets up, even when he can't,' or was it 'We fall so we can get back up'? No that was Alfred from Batman. Stick with the first quote. Can you cut that second line, please?"
Much like those heroes about whom Vertlieb was referring, the Rats, with the game looking out of reach, mounted a comeback. "Never say die," squeaked Rats catcher Charlie “Anybody Need a Vowel?” Gaetjens, donning a rally cap and popsicle, and cheering for his team mates.
By virtue of having won the coin toss again, the Rats batted as the home team and, down by a score of 10-2, with one out in the 7th batted seven consecutive men safely to bring the score to 10-7. Time and luck ran out, however, and the Rats’ rally died with the tying run at the plate.
Alas, the vowel-blessed Gaetjens sported a pouty look post-game and refused to take off his rally cap or even respond to questions when asked what the loss meant for the team. He also declined to state precisely where he “donned” the now-disappeared popsicle. “I have always hated that guy with a deep and abiding passion,” said Sport Playa.
The evening’s excitement came largely at the expense of Tramer’s right hand and elbow, where he non-electively decided to skid along the pavement of the main drag. Thus, henceforth, Tramer’s River Rat nickname shall be “Skidmark”! All hail Skidmark!!
Saturday morning saw the Rats once-again storm the fields like a pack of slavering armadillos hopped up on goofballs. Game Three was against our old friends the Taipei Kings. This being elder statesman and Asia softball legend Dan ‘Grinch’ Grindell’s final tourney, coupled with the fact that Grinch himself and several of the Kings players have played with the Rats in tourneys past, the affair was friendly and fun. Until, of course, the coin toss, whereupon the gloves came off. Continuing the team’s improbable run to coin toss glory, the Donnelly “Seriously, I Have My Passport This Time” Edmund kept the string alive with a commanding call of “TAILS”, where upon part time King player Devlin “The Details” Cotter mooned Grinch and yelled ‘Suck it, old man!’
(Sport Playa Lafferandre was so shocked by this outburst that he could only mutter “My stars and garters! Well, I never—” for the remainder of the contest.)
After the King and Rats traded runs in the first, the Kings plated a second in the second to take the lead. But the Rats brought home three runs of their own in the bottom of the third to take a 4-2 lead, capped by Kenneth "Don’t Call Me Ken" Kaufman’s gap-seeking liner that resulted in a round-tripper. That’s right. Your eyes are not, in fact, deceiving you. The Rats actually held a lead at some point during the weekend!
The Kings knocked in a pair in the top of the 4th to tie the game, but the Rats pulled one back in the bottom half of the frame to re-take the lead. Thus, against the top team in our bracket, the Rats held the Kings’ powerful bats to only 4 runs through 4 innings, aided in no small part by strong play in right field by Stacy and continued strong play at third by Mumbles.
Regrettably, the Kings then scored three in the 5th while the Rats went hitless over the final three innings to lose a heart breaker 7-5.
Aside from Don’t Call Me Ken’s shot, the Rats did bupkis multiplied by diddly squat raised to the power of nada at the plate. I mean, dude – the team batted .290 (9 for 31)! But we did score our second walk of the tourney, courtesy of Donnelly.
On the bright side, we turned 9 hits and one BB into 5 runs. On the somewhat less bright side we’re averaging a crummy 6 runs a game through three games. And we had the $%@*! coin tosses working for us, too, goldurnit!
But much like Mitt Romney’s position on, well on pretty much anything, the Rats’ luck soon pivoted. By quirk of fate our final round robin opponent was a Philippine Air Force team, which in fear of an imminent attack from Timor Leste, was called up to active duty and was therefore unavailable to play softball. Upon learning that we now stood 1-3 by virtue of the air force forfeit, the Rats proceeded to party like we’d just won the World Series. No pitcher of margaritas was too tall. No plate of nachos too greasy. No cooler full of beer was too <ummm, something>. We drank and ate it all.
Amidst all of this it was decided that maybe softball wasn’t really our thing. So we took up archery. (Yes, gentle reader, once again your eyes are not deceiving you. ARCHERY.) And for a sum of money I’m not sure anyone remembers, we borrowed a bow and arrow set from the local color and shot .200 (2 for 10) at a plastic table set up maybe 50 feet away. I am pleased to report that no living creatures were harmed in this act and the plastic table’s next of kin have been notified.
Said Sport Playa, “Man, I just loves me my archery!!”
But we paid for all the carousing big time the next morning, when 75% of the outfield could barely stand.
Sunday morning featured a re-match with the Tokyo team we played on Friday. This was Game One of the Toilet Bowl playoffs. The Big Kahuna. What we’ve been playing for all weekend.
First: the coin toss. ANOTHER coin toss victory for the Rats! Stunning. Amazing. Utterly non-helpful through three games, would this prove to be the turnaround the team so desperately desired? In a word…
No.
In a game that critics and both fans who watched are insisting was not nearly as close as its outcome would lead some to believe, the Brewerkz RiverRats battled until the end, before eventually falling to a superior Stingray offensive attack.
After agreeing to afford the Stingray offence with a minimum of five outs per inning, through a combination of errors and walks, the Rats found themselves at a severe disadvantage.
The threat of a mercy rule loomed large as the Stingrays piled on the runs. The score was getting out of hand, with the Rats trailing 15-4 at one point. But, much like the original Thrilla in Manila, this game would come down to the wire, and, ultimately, could have gone either way, especially had the Rats managed to double their offensive output. Once again, though, the Rats found a way to battle their way back into the game in the final at bats, halving a 10-run deficit.
In the end, however, the effort stalled and the Rats were knocked out of the tournament 16-11. The Stingrays would go on to lose to Meralco in the Toilet Bowl championship by a score of 6-1.
“You can get bbq’d stingray at many of the local coffee sops in Singapore” said Sport Playa.
In a cruel, cruel twist of fate, the 11 runs the Rats scored in this loss would have won every other game we played this weekend. Sigh.
After the game, River Rats third baseman Harris Vertlieb was honored with the club division Gold Glove award. As part of his acceptance speech, Vertlieb was simultaneusly inspired and incoherent, mumbling through an account of his accolades, acknowledgments, regrets, life dreams and dinner plans. Speaking through his interpreter, Sport Playa, Mumbles concluded:
"Today I was the hero the Rats deserved, but not the one we needed. That's another Batman reference. Get it? WE'LL SEE YOU GUYS IN JAKARTA FOR RATS 20TH ANNIVERSARY. MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!" he concluded.
The River Rats returned to Singapore determined to come out stronger in May, and make a push for that hardware Coach Vertlieb is so determined to get.
Thanks to several transplants from other teams that were willing to play on the Rats and supplement our lineup. We couldn't have done it without you. 0-4 on the field probably reflects our 100-0 record in the bars. Congratulations again to Harris on his gold glove, and to Kenneth Kaufman on being home run king.
Thanks as always to wonderful tourney organizers and sponsors for making this event a reality. See y’all in Jakarta in 2 months!!
Hitting Air Marshals
* Mumbles: .600, 6 for 10, 2 runs; gold glove, broken hand
* Donnelly Edmond: .538, 7 for 13, BB, 2 runs; perforated lip & liver
Flight Squadron Leaders
* PHat: .500, 6 for 12, BB, K-batting, multiple Ks-pitching, run; slayer of Styrofoam cooler
* Stacy Fender: .500, 5 for 10, run; solid d in right, like they teach it in Portland
* David Dwight Dingwall: .500, 1 for 2; always nice to be seeing 3D!
Air Field Sweepers
* "Don’t Call Me Ken": .462, 6 for 16, 2 HRs, 4 runs; wasn’t called Ken all weekend
* Tramer “Skidmark” Ray: .429, 6 for 14, HR, K, 2 runs; earned his Rat nickname
* Erik "Mr." Anderson: .429, 6 for 14, 4 runs; place defense at second like no ever has before, or will again
Bomb Catchers
* Max Suderow: .400, 4 for 10, K, HR, 3 runs; sunny, cherubic disposition was a delight to behold
* Devlin "The Details" Cotter: .400, 4 for 10, 3 runs; provided key scouting intel in the game vs. Taipei
* Peter “I Gotta Buy a Last Name” Frank: .333, 5 for 15, 5 runs; monumentally hammered in left field on Sunday
* Charlie “Anybody Need a Vowel?” Gaetjens: .333, 2 for 6, run; caught pitches, with authority, in spite of existential crisis
Executive Blowers of Chunks
* Matt Brill: .200, 1 for 5, K, run; thanks for coming out, man!
* Mike “Hutch” Hutchinson: .200, 1 for 5, BB, K; unclear why we didn’t think of calling you Rabbit Hutch during the tourney. Our bad.
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