Singapore Rats

The day dawned cool and soft, with the madman’s whispered promise of healthful deep-fried jelly doughnuts a la mode.   Tax season over and needing a Bir Bintang & nasi goreng fix, the Brewerkz River Rats turned to an old, trusted friend, the Jakarta tourney. 

This year represents the 10010th consecutive year of Rats in Jakarta.  Or, for those of you who don’t count in binary, this is the 12th year.  Or, for those of you who don’t count in hexadecimal, the 18th year.  Or for those who prefer to use the ol’ fingers-toes combo, take one standard human, chop off the left pinkie toe, the right index finger & the right big toe.  Then count the number of remaining digits, taking care to double count the left ring finger.  And THAT’S how many years the Rats have been coming to Jakarta.

Capisce?

Aside from setting a record for gluttony-for-punishment, the Rats have long been established at the forefront of important beverage consumption activities, if not especially noteworthy for on-field performance.  No matter, for…

THIS   IS   OUR   YEAR!

But what for this year, lah?  Read on oh brave reader, who reads so bravely.

In a stunning development, and a major departure from the most recent few tourneys which were “bodies-lite,” the Rats fielded an impressively deep team.  By deep we do not, of course, refer a proclivity to exceptional thinking or any actual softball talent.  No, we pretty much mean we expected to have enough semi-warm bodies to staff the field for the usual 5 or so games.  I mean, even Mark “Last Minute Cancellation But I’m 100% Confirmed for the Next Tourney” Harris made it!

Ahh, but the pernicious organizers did us one better, re-formatting the event to include more games and, hence, ruining any chance for the Rats to survive as more than broken shells of burned out humanity, much the same way the head of a deep fried garoupa has that sorta hollowed out glass-eyed stare thing working for it, which can prove disconcerting to Asia expat newbies and to visitors from cultures where fish is normally either filleted or served as a steak but never, heaven forbid, served whole with the head and tail still on because that’s just gross thank you very much.

But we digress.

No, the organizers scheduled EIGHT GAMES for the first two days, not realizing that the Rats cannot count all the way up to 1000 (or 8; or 8; or chop the entire left foot, every other finger on the right hand including the outermost ones, all but the left middle finger and all but the right big toe on those appendages, then double count all that remain).

So despite the best laid plans and organizational wizardry to procure a greater-than-usual number of players, the Rats began the tournament more or less screwed.  Except for the incontrovertible fact that …

THIS   IS   OUR   YEAR!

This year’s tourney began like a rabid weasel on uppers experiencing a grand mals seizure.  Which is to say, suboptimally.

Game One – Friday 10AM.  Opponents: USA Fattboyz.  Result – Loss, 4-16.  Noteworthy achievements.  (1) Rats lead 2-1 after 1 inning.  Go Rats!  (2) Three foul ball K’s in the first 3 innings (Mark, Trot, PHat).  (3)  Innings 2-4 required only 9 batters.  (4) Fully half our runs came in the 5th, when their pitcher walked 4 Rats in a row, throwing nary a strike.  Succeeding Rats batter (Quatro) swings at the first pitch for an out to end the inning.  Sigh.  (5) Total of 5 hits for the game, .227 team batting average, 3 Ks, but, promisingly, 6 BBs!  (6) And, of course, an insane number of pink hats.

Game Two – Friday 1:30PM.  Opponents: Singapore Fattboyz.  Result – Second place for the game, 2-17.  Noteworthy achievements:  (1) No K’s!  (2) Only needed 22 batters to complete 5 innings.  (3)  Only 5 batters reached scoring position.  (4)  6 hits for the game (improvement!), and team batting average of .273 (more improvement!!), no BBs.  (5)  Defensive pink hats galore.

Game Three – Friday 5:30PM.  Opponents: Hong Kong Gas Hogs.  Result – First runner up in the match, 2-18.  Noteworthy achievements:  (1) Bats came “alive” doubling the hit total of the previous two games.  (2)  11 hits, team BA of .440.  (3) Only one foul ball K (Quatro).  (4) Spectacular number of defensive pink hats.  (5) I Need a Chiropractor Award goes to NYC-based Road Rat Jim Clark who rather generously proffered his spine and perhaps 90% of his locomotor skills to the softball gods while making a terrific tumbling bone-rattling skull-whiplashing catch in left center.  Didn’t save any runs and he’ll be immobilized in a full body cast for the next 5 months, but sweet effort, dude!  (6) First extra-base hit, a double, is achieved (yay!) … by the guy who’s now in traction (boo!).  (7) First non-defensive, non-K pink hat goes to….  TROT, who managed to leave, oh, maybe two seconds early on a tag up on a deep fly ball on the big field.  Given that a severely arthritic nonagenarian with a walker and a poor sense of direction still could have made it easily from 2nd the 3rd base, and given that the Rats were down by something like 12000 runs at the time, this merits a very large and very pink sombrero.

Day one summation, first the bad news:  We sucked ass in a way that ass has never been sucked before.  To say that we were hopelessly pathetic and awful would be a grave insult to all hopelessly pathetic and awful teams spanning the globe.  I mean 8 runs on 22 hits in 3 games and a cumulative team BA of .319 … in SLOW-PITCH softball??  C’mon!

But, the good news is that, hey – we’ve got nowhere to go but up from here!

And, in a statistical oddity that will interest absolutely no one, fully 12 different guys can state that if they’d gotten “just one more hit” they’d be the team batting leader.  And for the pair of o-fer gents (Aaron & Travis), the sky’s the limit, baby.  Because regardless of piddling, insignificant things like results and quality of play, the real message of Jakarta 2010 Day One is:

THIS   IS   OUR   YEAR!

Day Two dawned cool and soft like the world’s largest outdoor open air frozen yogurt confection that’s been left just slightly too long on the warm hood of ’96 Chevy Impala that’s just pulled into the local strip mall for some nachos and Slim Jims when the driver saw the TCBY but had to take a call before the first bite which caused the fro-yo to melt just enough to go from delicious to only good enough.  No matter, for …

THIS   IS   OUR   YEAR!

With several fresh bodies (if not fresh livers or brains) having arrived the preceding evening, the River Rats were ready to motor!  Alas, the key to the ignition was mis-placed, so the early returns were less favorable than originally hoped.

Game Four – Saturday 10:00AM.  Opponents: Santa Fe.  Result – Pipped at the wire, 4-13.  Noteworthy achievements:  (1) New day, new bodies, new hangovers, same lack of hitting and defense.  (2) 9 hits – all singles, .360 BA, 1BB.  (3) First Pink Hat on a foul ball K to new Road Rat ‘Serious’ Rob Padilla.  (4) Dave Barker’s single.  (5)  Kurt Ball’s sweet tag-avoiding head-first slide into home plate.  (Those four runs had to come from somewhere!)

Game Five – Saturday 1:00PM.  Opponents: SIMS.  Result – Politely allowed the opponents to dance first, 6-14.  Noteworthy achievements:  (1) In an attempt to stem the tide of losses, Coach Mumbles straps on the knee brace and pitches.  Fourth different pitcher, same result.  [Because lousy hitting always gets blamed on the pitcher, right?]  (3) 13 hits, including a 3B from Travis and a 2B from Kieso, .406 team BA.  (4)  Special recognition goes to Greg Parker for completing the first successful defensive play made at second base!  A basketful of players had collectively gone 0-for-four (games) at second base.  I’m not kidding – through four games the Rats managed to avoid cleanly fielding every single ball hit that direction.  And don’t even talk to me about 2nd and 3rd base….

Hmmm, 0-5 for the tourney so far.  No problem, because …

THIS   IS   OUR   YEAR!

Game Six – Saturday 2:00PM (back-to-back game).  Opponents: Tilac.  Now for the past few years, it seems like the Tilac team always has our number, and once again they brought a strong team to the tourney.  (Tilac finished the tourney second overall.)  A taut, close affair from start to finish, this game featured everything, including timely hitting, bone-heading baserunning, a mariachi band, clutch defense, two turtle doves, gritty pitching and a partridge in a pear tree.

Normally we present an inning-by-inning review of the game to give you, the discerning reader, a sense of how the tension built through the game as the seesaw tides of emotion whipped the players from Lofty Peaks of Positivity to the Dank Depths of Doom with only the briefest of side trips to the Swamps of Meh.  But these are not normal times, and some dingbat (Bill) neglected to mark down the scores for each inning and now your humble (and seriously procrastinating) scribe cannot remember each nuance of the ebb and flow of the contest.  So, let’s just say that things were crazy tight all game long, m‘kay?

So, the game was tied to start the 7th, when the Rats pushed across a pair to take the lead.  And, strong defense, coupled with questionable swings at balls outta the strike zone in the bottom half of the frame saw the Rats emerge 12-10 winners and FINALLY get into the win column!

Noteworthy achievements:  (1) First time since Game One (remember way back then?) that we got a leadoff runner and score to start the game!  (2) 18-36, .500 BA, 2BBs.  (3) Sport Playa’s K.  (4) 3-3 for Travis “I Always Take 6 Games to Get Untracked at Tournaments” Washko”.  (5) Triples by Travis & Wheelchair; doubles from Travis, HJ and PHat.  (6) All-around effort from PHat, tough pitching, 3-3 with 3 runs scored.  (7) Defensive resurgence at second base with Unka Steve steadying that ship.  (8) Sweet K from Bill “I Just Wanna Contribute How I Know Best” Sieben.

See, I told you that …

THIS   IS   OUR   YEAR!

After a well-earned rest, the Rats took the field at 4PM against the Blok Mads team for Game Seven.  Once again, the dingbats in the dugout managed to NOT record the ebbs and flows of which we spoke earlier.  (I mean there were only seven people on the bench.  No way could anyone have taken the 0.013 seconds to do this.  And we’re not, like, slave drivers or nothin’.)

In any event, this was another exciting and well-played game, though the mariachi band had nipped off with the turtle doves.  This contest was a crucial game for the team, because this year’s tourney was organized such that all but one team would play for hardware on Sunday.  And we didn’t wanna be the one lonely team on the outside looking in, like a downer version of a Norman Rockwell painting of a wide-eyed child peering through a knot in the fence as brown-eyed handsome men circle the bases in a heartstring-tugging paean to the timeless joy of a mythologized version of America’s pastime, hearkening back to a simpler time when neighbors knew one another and hot dogs and apple pie were made with pure beef, and every boy was named either Charlie or Skip or Jerry or Rocko and had a twinkle in his eye and frog and a sling shot in his pockets.

But we digress, again.

The Rats scored consistently if not in great quantities, plating three in the first inning, followed by solo runs in the second, fourth and sixth.  The Blok Mads matched that total, however, and the game went to extra frames.  The Blok Mads batted first and scored twice, putting the pressure on the Rats.  But, with a runner on second and none out, El Quatro smashed a booming triple.  After a ground out by Aaron (for his 3rd o-fer in the tourney), Sean “Drunken Master” Mirmelli bashed a double to right center to drive in Quatro and tie the game.

Then greatness called and Kurt Ball answered.  Mr. Ball, who was calmly sitting on the bench, minding his own business and drooling only slightly, suddenly heard Mumbles call for a pinch hitter.  Kurt calmly blinked once.  Twice.  Then ambled to the plate and lashed a single to drive in the winning run in a 9-8 victory.  (Whereupon Kurt calmly went back to the dugout and his drooling.)

Game Seven Stats: 13-33, .394, 2 BBs, 1 K (Unka Steve!).

Need we remind you, gentle reader, that …

THIS   IS   OUR   YEAR!

This victory meant the Rats now had to wait to see the outcome of the Tilac–Hong Kong Gas Hogs game.  A Gas Hogs loss would assure the Rats of playing on Sunday.  A Tilac loss would mean the Rats required a victory in Game Eight to continue playing.

As it turned out, Tilac did beat the Gas Hogs, taking the pressure off the Rats.  This of course, meant the Rats could now start hitting like Mumbles intended.

Game Eight, 8PM, vs. Silverbacks.  First inning – First 5 Rats score, lead 5-1.  Second Inning – Rats score THIRTEEN runs, including three homers.  (Jeez – where the heck was all this firepower the rest of the weekend, you clowns??)  The first homer was a three-run job by Ray Traymer.  The second was another 3-run dinger by Wheelchair.  And then, with two down and the bases (re-)loaded, Mumbles Vertlieb stepped to the plate.

“No!” you say.  “Can’t be!” you gasp.  “Surely you jest” you declaim.  (and so on)

Sho’ ‘nuff.  Line drive to dead center, perfectly bisecting the outfielders, and the ‘race’ was on.  Three runs in and here comes Mumbles chugging toward third.  With the ball still roughly 800 feet from the plate, 3rd base coach Sport Playa Lafferandre inexplicably gives the stop sign.  Mumbles hits the bag, stops, realizes the ball is nowhere near the infield and jogs home for a GRAND SLAM!!!

(Quoth Sport Playa: “It was the right call.”  Quoth the entire Rats bench: “You are never coaching base ever again.”)

Mumbles hitting a grand slam?!!  What more proof could you possibly need that …

THIS   IS   OUR   YEAR!

In fact, all but two Rats hit safely in the inning.  The exceptions were: Greg Parker (excused because he walked twice), and Mark Kieso (excused because he sucks).

So, now that the Rats’ lead had grown to 18-1, can you guess what happened next?  But, of course, ice-cold bats, and a huge come back by the Silverbacks!  After doing precisely diddly squat raised to the power of bupkiss for the first 4 innings, the Silverbacks suddenly started hitting laser beams and rockets all over the field.  Six runs in the 4th – Rats’ lead is down to 18-7.  “Naw, were still good,” accompanied by sage head nodding, was the feeling on the bench.

Eight runs in the 5th – Rats’ lead is down to 18-15.  And, a la Wile E. Coyote, the Rats’ bench is holding tiny signs that say “Yipe!”  Rats score five in the bottom of the 5th.  Whew!  Lead back to 23-15.  Silverbacks score twice in the 6th, but the game is timed out and the Rats have clawed back to a semi-respectable 3-5 record.

Stats:  24-40, .600 batting average … in a game that didn’t really matter all that much.  Nice timing Rats!  And special note must be made of one the rarest sights in slow pitch softball:  back-to-back Ks, by Bill “Gonna Stick With What Got Me Here” Sieben, and Travis “Reverts to the Mean” Washko.

Our reward:  the 9AM game Sunday versus the Blok Mads team to play for 3rd place in the President’s Cup.  After an evening filled with an 11-hour chalk-board discussion of the Xs and Os to strategerifically plot our success, the Rats staggered to the field as…

The day dawned cool and soft, like the hippest and grooviest sponge ever, dude!

Despite being a local team, the Blok Mads apparently had trouble getting enough players to the field on time.  But being true gentlemen of sport the Rats allow them to pick up a few other players from other teams so we could at least play the game.

It’s go time and the Rats were fired up and ready to play!

A semi-frequently iterated sports cliché involves discussing the level of desire of a certain competitor by stating that he/she is “nails” and/or is “spitting nails”.  Or barbed wire.  Or that said competitor would chew his/her way through the fence to get onto the field of play.  Suffice it to say that there is some kind of mastication of metal going on.

Well, one Rat took that maxim a little too literally.  On maybe the second pitch of the game, the Blok Mads player lofted a ball just foul down the right field line.  Aaron “Pretty Boy” Oliver raced over to attempt the catch.  Realizing that he would be unable to actually catch the ball, but with a flair for the dramatic, Aaron did something no one expected, and so dove and tried to chew his way THROUGH the chain link fence.

I’m not sure how many physics majors (or even materials science specialists) there are out in Global Rat Land, but you might or might not be surprised to learn that we now have empirical evidence that the tensile strength of a chain link fence in Jakarta is greater than the tensile strength of Aaron’s face.  Or, to be more precise:

T-sub(CLFiJ) > T-sub(AF)*B-sub(72H)

where B = beer.

In other words, the tensile strength of a chain link fence in Jakarta exceeds the tensile strength of Aaron’s face multiplied by three days of drinking beer.

Well, after we packed Aaron off to the medical facilities (see *** below for an important factoid that emerged from this), we had a game to play.  Once again, this was a tight, closely fought game.  The Rat’s big inning was the second, when we scored a half dozen.  Another 3-run burst in the 4th saw the Rats take the lead. 

Heading to the top of the 6th, the Rats were up 9-8.  The first Blok Mads batter hit a ground ball to 3rd base, which was booted, then dropped.  Runner on first.

The next batter hit a line drive up the middle.  PHat threw out his glove and nearly snared it.  The ball hit off his glove and rolled straight to the spot Quatro had just vacated at second base as he headed to cover the bag.  Quatro attempted to reverse direction, as a snared ball would have gotten at least one runner.  Quatro planted his foot.  The foot slipped slightly.  And the ball rolled maybe 3 inches from his outstretched glove.  The result: no outs and 2 runners on base.

More stuff happens in a sequence your scribe cannot recall precisely, but the upshot is a tie game with 2 outs and the go-ahead run on second base.  PHat induced the Blok Mads hitter to hit a grounder to the short stop.  One lazy hop.  Two lazy hops.  Third hop – BOING! – the ball hit something and sailed over Unka Steve’s glove allowing the go-ahead run to score.

Down one run, the Rats went quietly in the bottom of the 6th, including greg parKer watching the third strike land precisely in center of the dish for a looking K.  OUCH!

Bummer, but no problemo.  We’ll hold ‘em and get ‘em in the bottom of the 7th inning.  I mean, we waited for the opponent to be able to start the game, and there are no games scheduled for this field after us.  We’ve got one more inning so let’s leave it all on the field, because …

THIS   IS   OUR   YEAR!

Naturally, the umps then called the game for “time”.  And that was the incredibly anti-climactic end to

THE   YEAR   THAT   TURNED   OUT   NOT   TO   BE   OUR   YEAR!

Oh well, there’s always next year.

Role Call & Cavalcade of Chumpions:

SMALL SAMPLE SET SUPERHEROES:

* Dave Barker – 1-1, 1.000; veteran move to take no more at bats, thus preserving his team batting title

* John Thomas – 3-4, .750; 4R; 4 runs on 4 plate appearances – why the hell wasn’t this guy playing more??

* Joe Kardon – 3-4, .750; 3R; welcome to the universe of SEAsia tourney softball!

* James White – 2-3, .667; R; we gotta get you to and hammered at tourneys more often, ‘cuz that’s when you hit, baby!

PROFICIENT, BUT NOT OVERLY SO:

* Quatro – 12-21, .571; BB; K; 4R; strong hitting Day Two

* Phat – 6-11, .545; 4R; BB; K; didn’t totally suck at pitching all of the time

* Wheelchair – 12-23, .522; 8R; stayed out of the hospital

* Ray Traymer – 10-20, .500; 3BB; 7R; homer hitter and defensive dynamo

* Greg Parker – 4-8, .500; 5R; 2BB; K; PM disappearing act

NEARLY PROFICIENT:

* “Serious” Rob Padilla – 9-19, .474; 2R; 2BB; K; thanks for making the trek from Dubai, dude, hope to see ya again (when we’re all hitting!)

* Unka Steve – 5-11, .455; 2R; BB; K; presented stern-faced visage to intimidate and dismay our evil opponents

* Kurt Ball – 4-9, .444; 3R; 2BB; game winning hit; nice slide into home (safely); drooled

* Mark Harris – 5-12, .417; 2R; K; made it to a tourney!

* Mumbles – 2-5, .400; 2R; grand slam; assembled this cruddy non-hitting lineup

* Sport Playa – 2-5, .400; important dugout sarcasm; lousy base coaching

ASPIRE TO BE NEARLY PROFICIENT:

* Jim “Chiro” Clark – 2-6, .333; R; BB; sacrificed health for greater good, resulting in extra ‘vacation week’ in Singapore

* Mark Kieso – 6-18, .333; 5R; 2BB; failed to hit safely in the second inning of Game 8

* Jeff “Whitely” Whitley – 1-3, .333; R; BB; bon vivant and raconteur

* HJ – 6-19, .316; 2R; nice D at first base, now go back to the minors (NYC) and learn to hit, willya?

* Sean “Drunken Master” Mirmelli – 4-13, .308; 3R; didn’t see a ball all weekend that he couldn’t flail his glove at ineffectively

NO HOPERS:

* Trot – 2-7, .286; 3R; 2BB; K; memorable pink hat; infected toe

* Travis “I Forgot to Pack My Game When I Moved From Shanghai” Washko – 7-26, .269; 4R; memorable K; blown out arm

* Aaron “Pretty Boy” Oliver – 3-13, .231; 3R; learned something important about fences in Jakarta

SUPER STAR STUDMUFFIN EXTRAORDINAIRE:

* Bill “Enjoyin’ My Cuppa Coffee in the Bigs” Sieben – 0-3, .000; 2K

MOST EGREGIOUS PLAY BY A NON-PLAYING PLAYER:

* Dog Levy – forgot to bring the pink hats to the tournament.  BOOOOOOO!!!

*** According to Pretty Boy, the important lesson learned from Jakarta 2010 was:  “We now know that 4 stitches at SOS Jakarta = 2 bottles of vodka at Red Square.”  Well, ok, but how many bottles can I trade you for 7 stitches?

Two Unlikely Scenarios, One Actually Occurred…

This past Sunday the Brewerkz River Rats of softball scheduled a season-ending twin-bill versus our arch-rivals, the Fattboyz.  One the following actually happened:

(A)  The Rats won 11-7 and 16-13.

(B) In his first mistake in 18 years of organizing the Rats, Mumbles Vertlieb forgot that, in fact, no games were scheduled and a dozen guys rallied to Sembawang stand around in the heat.

Please cast your vote below with a pithy comment in the “Comments” section.

(HINT:  If your choice includes a vowel, then your selection is in error.)

Like a clam takes to water, so did the Brewerkz River Rats take to the softball field at the Terror Club this past Sunday afternoon.  The week’s opponent was our arch-rivals, the Guzzlers.

Game One started well, with solid hits from Chief, Phun Phil & Collin and a booming triple from Travis yielding a trio of runs.  International man of mystery, Glenn Fassett, returned for a brief cameo and scored in the second inning to push the lead to 4-0.  However, our personal hygiene-eschewing opponents scored twice in the top of the third to halve the Rats’ lead.

But, much like the Empire, the Rats struck back, adding four runs in the bottom of the inning.  Two further runs came across in the fourth and, after a monster triple from Collin in the 5th, the Rats went on to win 14-2 in a mercy rule finish.

Surprisingly, the team batted a collective .621 for the game.  More surprisingly, though, was the complete absence of pink hattage.  And under a broiling sun we coulda used a few cold ones!

Game Two picked up where Game One ended.  Things looked awful good after 6 of the first 7 batters scored.  But the Rats left the bases jammed to end the inning while the Guzzlers scored 3 in the bottom of the frame.  Strong hitting by the top of the order saw the Rats’ push the lead back to 5 runs, but once again the Guzzlers scored three to close the gap.

Having scored in each inning in Game One and both of the first two innings of Game Two, the Rats’ bats suddenly went cold.  Naturally, coinciding with this unhappy reduction in stick warmth, the Rats’ gloves turned to stone.  A comedy of errors ensued and our brutish opponents scored six to take a 12-8 lead.

The Rat’s scratched out two runs in the 5th to close the gap to 13-10, but could muster nary a hit in the final two frames, losing by a final score of 14-10.  Fittingly, the final out of the game came on a 3rd strike foul ball (and Pink Hat!) by Travis.

Despite the miscues in Game Two, we must make note of three spectacular defensive plays on the day.  In third place we have Travis Washko’s diving catch on a sinking line drive in left field.  Schweeeeet!  In second place we have Greg Parker’s cat-like-reflexes dive to his left to snare a smoking line drive at the hot corner.  Hot da-yamn!!

And in the first place we have Chad Garcia playing a deep second base.  When a rocketed grounder to him took a nasty high hop, Chad reflexively flung his mitt up over his head to catch it.  Then, while falling backwards, he fired a strike to Collin Toh covering second base to force the lead runner.  Boo yahhhh!!!

Batting Stats (in order of Groovy-ness):

* Jay Denenburg – 3 for 3, 1.000, 3 runs scored, triple, sac fly

* Joe Kardon – 3 for 3, 1.000, 2 runs; important learning experience playing the short field in right

* Collin Toh – 3 for 3, 1.000, 1 run, triple

* Chief Johnson – 5 for 6, .833, 5 runs, 2 doubles

* Greg Parker – 4 for 5, .800, BB, 2 runs, defensive gold star

* Phil Galetto – 5 for 7, .714, BB, 4 runs

* Bill Lafferandre – 3 for 5, .600

* Travis Washko – 3 for 6, .500, 3 runs, triple, defensive gold star

* Unka Steve Kreutter – 1 for 2, .500

* Adam Person – 2 for 5, .400, 1 run, double

* Kevin Weisgerber – 2 for 5, .400, 1 run

* Jason Daeffingnewguy – 1 for 3, .333

* Matt O’Malley – 1 for 4, .250

* Chad Garcia – 1 for 5, .200, defensive gold star

* Brian Porter – 1 for 5, .200

* Frank Hufschmid – 0 for 2, .000, run

* Glenn Fassett – 0 for 2, .000, run, rare Singapore sighting

This past Sunday the noble and valiant Brewerkz River Rats stormed the field like a horde of slavering bed bugs sensing fresh meat on the mattress.  The opponent was our arch-rivals, the DLA Headhunters.

Game One started reasonably well.  Phun Phil started things with a single and eventually came around score, though other baserunners were left stranded.  The Rats again pushed across a run in the top of the second with Phil Vangina scoring.  (Hmmm, seems like we do pretty well when someone named Phil leads off an inning.  Maybe we should all change our names to Phil?)

Inning #3 started with a trio of singles to load the bases, bringing Phat to the plate.  In a surprising move, the Headhunters left fielder decided to go against the scouting report which shows Phat hitting the ball to left 99.628% of the time, and shifted toward left center.  Unsurprisingly Phat proceeded to lace a ball to left field which scooted past the stunned defender and rolled to the fence.  One run in.  Two runs in.  Three runs in.

And here comes Phat lumbering toward third.  Caoching at third, Unka Steve gives the stop sign.  Phat ignores it and rumbles into the turn.  Three Rats are standing behind the plate.  None gives any indication if the ball is hurtling toward the catcher’s outstretched glove.  Phat turns on the afterburners (>snork<) and lines up to run a few feet behind the plate (as you’re supposed to do).

Unhappily Phat forgets there is a small mound of dirt located about 4 feet up the third base line. Cleats hit the unexpected rise in elevation … balance is lost … ass flies over tea kettle … as he crosses the line … he is called … (wait for it) … SAFE!  An inside-the-park grand slam, a commanding six-run lead and a pratfall comedy routine all rolled into one!

The Rats continued scoring, plating a further 8 runs, and cruised to comfortable victory.

In between games the Rats reclined in discomfort as the elderly blue and white awning was no longer there to shade our weary bodies in the dugout.  (The added heat did, however, inspire us to consume more beer, so it wasn’t a total negative.)

With a perfect-for-the-decade record intact the Rats once again ambled aimlessly to the field of play. And once again Phun Phil led off and scored, this time followed by two more Rats crossing the plate.  Immediately thereafter, however, and vast quantity of sucking transpired and the Rats couldn’t score again, and the team suffered its first defeat of the decade by four runs.

So, for those of you with functioning ears but did not attend the games, that great wail of lamentation and tremendous gnashing of teeth you heard on Sunday was the sound of a thousand angels crying the bitter tears of defeat, suffering on behalf of the River Rats.  Now don’t you feel bad?

… because all good things come to an end.

Those Who Hit With Great Alacrity and Great Success:

* Len “Blame It on Me, Fellas” Kiczek – 6 for 8, .750, 3 runs

* John “Chip-N-Dale” Cappetta – 6 for 9, .675, 3R

* Phun Phil “Don’t Blame Me, I Don’t Live Here Anymore” Galetto – 5 for 8, .625, BB, 2R

Those Who Hit With Some Alacrity But Had More Modest Results:

* Greg “Third Base is My Bitch” Parker – 4 for 7, .571, BB, 2R

* Adam “PHat” Persson – 4 for 7, .571, BB, 3R, Grand Salami, tragicomic ‘slide’ into home plate

* “Unka” Steve Kreutter – 5 for 9, .556, 3R

* Travis Washko – 4 for 8, .500, BB, 2R

Those Who Attended But Evinced Merely a Modicum of Alacrity and Consequently Had Results That Did Not Glow, Shine or Otherwise Merit a Strong and Positive Adjective:

* Phil “Vangina” Van Dine – 3 for 8, .375, R

* Bill “Sport Playa” Lafferandre – 1 for 8, .125

Those Whose Presence Was Needed But Whose Performance, Though Showing Some Alacrity, Basically Sucked Majorly in the Results Department:

* Mark “Yeah, But I Had A Walk” McGrath – 0 for 1, .000, BB

* Harris “Mumbles” Vertlieb – 0 for 5, .000

Those Who Shall Forevermore Be Damned to Roast Eternally in the Flames of the Underworld Because They Confirmed Attendance But Did Not Actually Attend, Thusly Leaving Their Fellow Rats to Scramble to Find Enough Bodies to Play, and At Whose Feet We Will Unceremoniously Lay Blame for Everything Bad that Ever Happens Ever Again:

* You know who you are!

In the final tune up for the Manila tourney the Brewerkz River Rats played a pair versus our arch-rivals, the Guzzlers.  Now, these Guzzlers are not the same team as the Guzzlers that frequents the various international tourneys, but there was, to be sure, significant guzzling potential and action involved.

No matter.  Despite Coach Mumbles’ physical presence in Singapore, the coaching duties once again fell the unfortunate soul who neglected to step backwards when the request for volunteers went out.

Game One started as so many recent contests have, which is to say crappily.  Once again the Rats eschewed crossing the plate for the first 3 innings, while the Guzzlers scored thrice in the first four innings.  And with the first two batters quickly retired, the Rats’ fourth appeared to be headed in the same direction.  But, three straight hits, capped by Silverback’s double saw the Rats gain the scoreboard.  Naturally, this success was short-lived because Brian Porter k’d with runners on 2nd and 3rd to end the inning.

Actually, Brian was something of a trend setter for the slow-learner Rats, as the team left runners in scoring position in every subsequent inning, too.  But we are getting ahead of ourselves here.

Having finally achieved a positive result and closed the gap to 3-1, the Rats immediately surrendered 2 runs in the top of the 5th.  The Rats answered with another run in the bottom of the inning, but left the bases loaded courtesy of the top of the order.  (Thanks guys!)

After holding our satan-loving opponents scoreless, the Rats tied the game in the 6th to set up a thrilling sudden death, winner-takes-all-the-marbles 7th inning.

Continued strong pitching from Phun Phil kept the Guzzlers from scoring, putting the Rats in the drivers’ seat.  And, after the Guzzlers’ pitcher loaded the bases with a pair of two-out walks, Chip-‘n-Dale stepped into the box.  Now, Mr. ‘N-Dale was 2 for 3 in the cleanup spot to this point, and the pitcher had not managed to throw a strike to the preceding two batters.  Alas, much like his recent choice of smoking venue, Chip-‘n-Dale’s decision-making left a tad to be desired, as he swung at the first pitch and flew out weakly to end the inning, stranding the hapless James Stanczak on third.

Extra innings are a bit of a rarity with the Rats so those of you who do not recall the specifics we will provide a quickie rule review.  To promote scoring (e.g. to get the hell on with it), each team starts with a runner on second base.   

To start the 8th inning, the Guzzlers quickly scored twice, putting the Rats in jeopardy of losing for the first time this decade.  But, with 1 out, pinch hitting Trot Wahba stroked a ball off the fence in right to knock in a run.  And, with a mis-play in right and a subsequent over-throw, Trot was able to score as well, tying the game.  But, despite getting Master Porter as far as second base, the Rats once again could not get the one last hit to end the game.

So we headed to the 9th inning.  Strong defense and pitching kept the Guzzlers off the board.  Needing but a solitary run, with the lithe and zippy form of Sport Playa Lafferandre ready on second base, Phat punched a single, but Senior Sport Playa was held at third.  Then, the hulking frame of The Beast Hufschmid filled the batter’s box.  The Beast delivered a solid single to right, and Sport Playa scampered home to secure the Rats’ 9-inning victory by a score of 8-7.

So, despite batting .381 as a team, despite the 1-3 batters going a collective one-for-ten, and despite leaving runners in scoring position for the last four innings, the Rats managed to eke out a win.  Just like we planned it out, pre-game!

After a refreshing break, wherein the Rats held a deep and meaningful discussion about the concept of scoring in the first couple innings, the team took the field for Game Two.

The discussion must have worked, as the Rats jumped out to a 7-2 lead after two innings.  The big blow came off of Steve Davis’ bat, when he bashed a grand slam to dead center.  The Rats continued to pour it on, scoring runs in every inning en route to a final score of 16-4.

A special welcome to new Singapore arrival and River Rat newbie goes out to Joe Kardon.  Joe – you can demonstrate your undying love for all things ratty by buying us a round next time!

Top-Notch Ace Number One I Eat Bullets for Breakfast Hitters:

* Trot Wahba – 1 for 1, 1.000; 2 runs

* Steve Davis – 4 for 5, .800; granny; run

* Mark “Look for Me in Manila” Harris – 5 for 7, .714; 4 runs

Gritty I’ll Have a Raw T-Bone Steak for a Mid-Day Snack Hitters:

* Joe Kardon – 2 for 3, .667; 2 runs

* Chief – 3 for 5, .600; 2 BB; 2 runs

* Chip-‘n-Dale – 4 for 7, .571; 4 runs

Solid Dependable No Nonsense Gimme a Ham Sandwich for Lunch With Chipotle Aioli Hitters:

* PHat – 3 for 6, .500; BB; 2 runs

* The Beast - 3 for 6, .500

Arty-Farty Will-o-the-Wisp I’d Like An Evian With My Watercress Salad Hitters:

* Brian Porter – 3 for 7, .429; K; run

* Chad Garcia – 2 for 6, .333; BB; run

* James Stanczak – 1 for 3, .333; run

* Eric “I’ll Coach First Base Only if the Runners Will Remind Me How Many Outs There Are” Levy – 1 for 3, .333; run

* Sport Playa – 2 for 7, .286; GIDP; (highly opportune) run

Uhhh, You Guys Knew There Was a Game On, Right? Hitters:

* Collin Toh – 1 for 6, .167; run

* Phun Phil – 0 for 5, 2 BB; run

Once again the Brewerkz River Rats of softball took the field versus our fine-feathered friends and arch-rivals, the Canadian Heads of Moose.

In what has become a depressingly familiar refrain this season, many Rats confirmed during the week, only to see a discomforting number cancel the day of.  Well, King Rat is back on Wednesday and will doubtless kick some major ass for all you flaky (yet not buttery) types.

No matter.  Channeling the spirit of the Great Ur-Rat in the Beyond (GURB), the attending Rats dug deep, tightened the laces, slapped the gloves and pulled out a top-notch batting practice and warm-up session.

In a startling reverse of the usual pre-game bonhomie, default coach and newly minted megalomaniac PHat gave the troops a somber reminder of their ‘talent-lite’ situation.  The combination of inward-blowing breezes, plus mushy balls, abetted by a near-total lack of team power and buttressed by a season-long history of hitting lazy flies necessitated a new team-rule-for-the-day to encourage line-drive hitting.  To whit:  every second fly ball a batter hit would result the hitter being compelled to purchase brewskis for the team.

(This was clearly a move of utter coaching brilliance, for there are only two possible results:  massive inebriation and/or lots of line drives.  Of course, your humble scribe might be a slightly biased interlocutor.)

Game One started as so many recent games have, e.g. a complete lack of offense in the opening frames.  However, trailing by a run going to the bottom of the 3rd, the Rats came alive.  Starting the inning with a solid single was Cap’n Ronbo, who returned to the field of play after rehabbing from his 612th surgery.  (Still can’t throw overhand?  Tough shit, pal, you’re starting at second base because there are guys even worse off than thou!)

Not content to rest there, the Rats next four batters also reached safely with all scoring.  Well, nearly all.  The Beast Hufschmid managed to complete the seldom seen baserunning daily double by committing two errors on the same play!  After running through a very clear and highly demonstrative STOOOOPPPPP!! sign from the 3rd base coach, Ol’ Beasto ran straight to the plate and interfered with the Moosey catcher, who had already dropped the ball, and was therefore called out.  More amazing, we were so stunned that no one thought to place the pink hat on his head!

Regardless of the baserunning delights and amusements, the Rats ended the inning on top by a 4-1 score.  Strong pitching and defense kept the Moosi off the board while the Rats posted another run in the bottom of the 5th. 

The top of the 6th, though, saw the Moosish Ones strike back.  El Beastie, who had been pitching a whale of a ballgame, suddenly lost the plate and the combination of walks and singles saw the Canucks load the bases and score twice.  It turns out, however, that Frank pitches better when angry.  We learned this because the coach went to the mound and ticked the Beast off.  The result – no further Mooses crossing the plate for the rest of the game, and the Rats won 5-3.

Most remarkable Game One stat:  No pink hats and no beers via fly balls!!  (In fact, only 5 fly balls in 30 plate appearances.)

So, it was unilaterally decided that the double fly-ball = brews rule would be made cumulative for the day, not per-game as originally envisioned.  Was this a sign of canny coaching to reinforce good behavior, or simply a crude ploy to get beer into the dugout?  You be the judge.

After a short break where the lineup was shuffled according to a secret technique that involves removing something from one’s posterior, the Rats lead off Game Two.  Chad ‘Still Searching for a Nickname’ Garcia started things off right, stroking a single and coming around to score the first run of the game when the following two hitters (HJ & Sport Playa) also singled.

Then, one of the rarest things in slow pitch softball NEARLY occurred.  With runners at first and second, clean-up hitter Shooter McGrath hoisted an additional piano on his back and manfully swung at a sub-optimal pitch.  What happened next can only be truly appreciated if you recall the theme song to Chariots of Fire and imagine the super slo-mo scene of running … of running … running……

Ground ball to third … the fielder has it … steps on third (one out) … fires to second (two outs) … <daa naa naa naa NAAA naa, daa naa naa naa naaa) … the second baseman fires to first … it’s gonna be close … the ump desperately wants to give the big punch-out for the triple play … Shooter is lumbering towards first … the fat white softball is soaring toward the open mitt … Shooter lunges, every sinew in his body straining … the first baseman stretches … annnnnnnnnnd

THANK GOD TIE GOES TO THE RUNNER!!

And the Rats avoid the triple play.  Naturally, the next batter flew out weakly and inning was over.

The top of the second started well, with Happy Place Weisgerber singling, but he got no further than second base.  The top of the third again started well, with Chad and HJ again leading off with a pair of singles.  Then, surprising choice of #3 batter, Sport Playa Bill strode to the plate.

Now, we give Bill a lot of crap, both in the dugout and on the website.  And all of it is 100% deserved.  But he has been swinging the bat well of late, so maybe he’d respond to the challenge with the grace and aplomb he so occasionally exhibits. 

Bill’s Game One Line:  single, double play, single.  First AB in Game Two: single.  Uh oh.

Well, at least he is a model of consistency!  And he did hustle home from first on Shooter’s two-out double in the right-center alley, so some measure of redemption was achieved.

More importantly, the Rats extended the lead to 2-0, though the Meese closed the gap to 2-1 in the bottom of the 4th.

The Rats doubled their tally with two runs in the top of the 5th on Chad’s rabid romp home when a mis-handled ball in the outfield rolled to the fence.

The bottom of the 5th saw the Impressively Antlered Northern Animals score four to take a 5-4 lead over the Rats.

In the sixth the Rats went weakly, with Steve “Ask Me to Go Mountain Biking With You” Kreutter supplying the apparently necessary double play ball.

Then, in the top of the 7th, trailing by one, down to their last at bat, with their perfect record for the decade on the line, greatness called.  After accidentally placing that call on hold, Ronbo answered with his third hit of the day.  PHat followed with a sharp single to right, and Dave “I Also Need A Nickname” Bosco loaded the bases.  Late arriving but psyched to play, Justin “The Ump Can’t Call Me Out for a Baserunning Blunder If I’m Not On Base (Right?)” Patwin hoisted a bat for his first plate appearance of the day.  The result:  a sac fly and a tie game. 

After a walk to Chad re-loaded the bases, HJ came through with another sac fly to push the Rats into the lead.  Sport Playa completed his feast-or-famine day by lashing a single to score an insurance run.  And after the Mooseheads went quietly in the bottom of the 7th, the Rats pulled out an impressive 7-5 come-from-behind victory to keep the string intact.

Most remarkable Game Two stat:  Again, no pink hats and only 5 fly balls in 34 plate appearances.  But fly ball brewskis were earned, so refreshment transpired.

Hitters Dean’s List:

* HJ Trombino – 4 for 5 (.800), 1BB, 2 runs, sac fly

* Chad Garcia – 4 for 6 (.667), 1 BB, 4 runs

* Sport Playa – 4 for 7 (.571), 2 runs, 2 GIDP  :-(

Hitters Diploma Earners:

* Cap’n Ronbo – 3 for 6 (.500), 2 runs

* PHat – 3 for 6 (.500), run, new rule breaker

* Happy Place – 3 for 6 (.500)

Hitters Detention Earners:

* Shooter McGrath – 3 for 7 (.429), GIDP (oh-so-close to a GITP!)

* Dave Bosco – 2 for 6 (.333), new rule breaker

* The Beast – 1 for 4, (.250), BB, strong pitching when angry

Hitters Expelled From School:

* Silverback Steve – 0 for 3 (.000), but played through the pain (in loafers) ‘cuz we only had 10 guys

* Unka Steve – 0 for 3 (.000), GIDP, new rule breaker

D-Day … Has No Grade Point Average:

* Justin Patwin – n/a for pi (.eee), sac fly, no baserunning errors

Dear Warm ‘n Cuddly All-Loving Superbeing in the Sky,

Why have you taken our bats away?  More accurately, why can we no longer swing them, knowing as you do, that this is a semi-important capability for a softball team playing our arch-rivals, the DLA Headhunters?

Game One started typically.  In other words, through four innings the Rats managed to post four consecutive bagels.  Of course, this is not terribly difficult when you only get two hits in sixteen plate appearances. 

Fortunately, Frank “The Beast” Hufschmid was on the mound and brought his ‘A-game’ so our evil and foul-smelling opponents were equally bad at the dish.  Frank was ably backed by solid-and-occasionally-spectacular defense.  Collin “Leadoff Hitter Extraordinaire ” Toh turned in the standout play of the day, when he fielded a dying quail blooper in short right with his back to the infield and, in one motion, twisted his body and fired a strike to force the runner at second.  Hot damn!

In the top of the 5th the Rats managed to get the offense going.  By ‘getting the offense going’ we mean taking a few walks then squeaking out a solitary run before leaving the bases loaded. 

The top of the sixth saw the Rats double their lead when Adam “Do I Really Need to Run That Far?” Persson alertly stretched his leadoff single to reach third base on an overthrown ball by the defense.  And, the Rats once again doubled the lead in the top of the seventh inning, taking advantage of a leadoff error, two singles and a sac fly. 

So, with a 4-0 lead to defend, the Rats took the field in the bottom of the 7th.  >cue the foreboding music<  However, despite batting a meager .290 as a team, the Rats held the Headhunters scoreless and the game was in the bag!

Special notes must be made of the terrific pitching by The Beast, who tossed a hitter for his first ever complete game shutout.

Futile Gesture Award for the game goes to Phil ‘Vangina’ Van Dine, who hit safely from the 2-hole in his first two at bats since the Reagan era.  The futility part results from the fact that these were the only two hits posted by the 1-4 hitters.  Which brings us to the …

DumbAss Coaching Award for constructing this lineup!

Naturally the same four were at the top of the order for Game Two.  Let’s see how they did, shall we?

Rats 1-4 batters in the bottom of the first inning:  more of the same (single by Vangina and 3 outs).  Sigh.  So much for playing the odds.

Despite the antiheroics of the top of the order, the Rats managed to post three and two runs in the 2nd and 3rd innings respectively, with Chip-N-Dale Cappetta going yard.  A further 3-spot in the 5th put the game out of reach, with the Rats winning by a final score of 9-3.

In a reminder of how the universe always seems to balance the scales of justice, Frank K’d and had to buy the rest of us beers … on the same day he pitched two victories, while allowing only 3 unearned runs!  Thanks, dude!

Thusly did the Rats extend their string of improbable victories to remain perfect for the decade!

Batting Superheroes:

* Adam “Seriously, Doesn’t Anybody Else Wanna Coach These Losers?” Persson – 4 for 6 (.667), 3 runs scored

* Kevin “Apparently I Hit Better When I’m Coming Off A Bender” Weisgerber - 4 for 6 (.667)

* Daniel “Wow, Did You See That Play I Made at Third?!!” Heng – 3 for 5 (.600), sac fly, 1 run

Batting Plucky Sidekicks:

* Phil “Can a Brother Get a Little Help at the Top of Order?” Van Dine – 3 for 6 (.500), 2 runs

* Brian “I Promise to Do Something Massively Stupid Soon So I Can Get a Nickname” Porter – 2 for 5 (.400), BB, 2 runs

* Phil “Sport Playa” Lafferandre – 2 for 5 (.400), BB

Batting Innocent Bystanders:

* John “Chip-N-Dale” Cappetta – 2 for 6 (.333), HR, 2 runs

* Steve “I Should NOT Be Leading Off Innings FOUR Times, You Clowns” Davis – 2 for 6 (.333), 2 runs

* Matt “Please Ignore The First Game Performance” O’Malley – 2 for 6 (.333), run

Batting Evil Henchmen Cannon-Fodder:

* Frank “The Beast” Hufschmid – 1 for 5, K, shut out pitching, 0.00 ERA for 2 games!!

* Len “I’ve Been Hitting the Cover Off the Ball” – 1 for 6 (.167) In The Cleanup Spot (and that one hit was a measly blooper that had no right to fall safely)

Batting Super Villain:

* Collin “I Think I’ll Stick With My New Hitting Stance” Toh – 0 for 5 (.000) In The Leadoff Spot, BB