Thai Polo Club, Pattaya, Thailand – In a performance lauded by physicists around the world as a statistical anomaly, Brewerkz RiverRats coach Harris Vertlieb stunned players and fans alike by finishing this weekend’s Bangkok International Softball Tournament at 8-1, a .889 winning percentage, in coin tosses. In shattering the expected 50% outcome for heads/tails coin flips, Vertlieb was able to ensure his team home field advantage in seven of their nine games.
“The tits are always heavier than the ass,” mumbled Vertlieb, when asked to explain his strategy.
With the significant advantage of dictating who had the last at bat in nearly every one of their games, the RiverRats had high expectations for the tournament, and fully expected to come home with some hardware.
Brewerkz RiverRats Win Four of Five 5-inning Round-Robin Softball Games; Unfortunately Participating in 7-inning Round-Robin Softball Game Tournament
Thai Polo Club, Pattaya, Thailand – The Brewerkz RiverRats entered Friday’s round-robin tournament play this weekend with high expectations and a solid game plan. Coach Harris Vertlieb, who admits to investing at least 48 hours every four months dedicated to planning for softball tournament play, readied his troops under a radiant sun, limber after a brief bus journey to the field.
Game 1: Korea Guzzlers 24 - Brewerkz RiverRats 15
The Rats came out hot with an onslaught of hits in the tournament opener, highlighted by singles and doubles up and down the lineup, and several pop-outs to the first baseman by Rats left-center fielder Nicolas Lapworth.
Their consistent offense kept pouring on more runs, and RiverRats’ pitcher Jeff Gill methodically set down a potent offense, conceding just one run over the first five innings. The Rats soon found themselves ahead of the top-seeded Korea Guzzlers 11-1, and ready to start the tournament off with a win.
But, hitting a wall that may have been the result of what would later turn out to be a severe case of sun poisoning for Gill, the RiverRats allowed the Guzzlers to come back over the next two innings and score 23 runs.
“Should have worn some SPF 85+,” said RiverRats outfielder Kenneth Kaufman.
Though he was disappointed with the outcome of the game, which ended with the Korea Guzzlers winning 24-15, Gill knew it was still early in the tournament.
“A true champion, face to face with his darkest hour, will do whatever it takes to rise above. A man fights, and fights, and then fights some more. Because surrender is death, and death is for pussies,” said Kenny Powers after the game. Powers would later succumb to feverish symptoms and disappear for the remainder of the weekend.
Game 2: Saigon Monkeys 12 – Brewerkz RiverRats 0
The outcome turned into a pattern for the RiverRats, who faced similar results throughout the rest of the day. Despite an inspired pitching performance by coach Harris Vertlieb, and a hitting showcase by the Rats against the Saigon Monkeys, the Singapore-based team fell again in game two, as a result of the mercy rule with a 12-0 score after five innings.
“I love monkeys,” admitted Rats second basemen Erik Diakun. “I bought a whole bunch of bananas to feed them when I went to the Bali monkey forest. I think they’re cute.”
“I [expletive deleted] hate monkeys,” replied left fielder Sammy Vatrano.
Game 3: Shanghai #1 Sons 2 – Brewerkz RiverRats 1
Coming off a disappointing performance in game 2, the Brewerkz RiverRats were hungry for Pad Thai and a victory. Looking to shake things up, coach Vertlieb put rookie Erik Anderson on the mound. Shutting down one of the best lineups in the tournament for most of the game, Anderson put the Rats in a strong position to break into the win column with a stingy game on the hill.
But perhaps getting used to only playing five innings, the RiverRats took a 1-0 lead into the bottom of the seventh, only to suffer a dramatic walk-off loss to the eventual third place finishers Shanghai #1 Sons.
Game 4: Taiwan Taichung BigLemon 14 – Brewerkz RiverRats 11
With coach Vertlieb’s plan unfolding perfectly, the RiverRats went into the final game of day one with an 0-3 record, one run in the last twelve innings, and accordingly high spirits. But the Taiwan BigLemons, fresh off a hitting tutorial from professional softball home run hitting superstar Jeff Hall, looked to spoil all that with a lineup full of 6’3” test tube babies.
The RiverRats stood strong, with pitcher Erik Anderson and his defense parrying blows and stranding runners throughout the game. On offense, an avalanche of hits coming from Rats right fielder Ron Bacher, first baseman Aaron Oliver, and shortstop Donnelly Edmond left the Rats with an 11-6 lead going into the last inning. But as the sun started to sink, so did the hopes of the RiverRats, who seemed to be giving into a “here-we-go-again” mentality.
“Here we go again,” remarked left fielder Sammy Vatrano.
The BigLemons came up in the top of the seventh and scored three runs without recording an out. With runners on first and second, the BigLemon pitcher came to the plate and skied a fly ball to deep right field. Due to a glaring sun, no it was the strong wind, no maybe the shine of our bus driver’s winning smile, wait perhaps it was “Moves Like Jagger” playing for the 17th time that day, the ball soared up and over the RiverRats right fielder, leading to a home run and a 13-11 lead for the BigLemons. Unable to mount a comeback of their own, the RiverRats succumbed to a 14-11 loss and fell to 0-4 on the day.
Game 5: Brewerkz RiverRats 17 – Shanghai Blackouts 5
With a replenished lineup due to the arrival of veteran pitcher Mark Fischer and right fielder Poul Karlshoej, and complete with two new local cheerleaders, the RiverRats came into day two of round-robin play with as much enthusiasm as could be hoped for after three hours of sleep and an 0-4 record. Leadoff hitter Nick Lapworth Donnelly Edmond started off the day with a double, something that became something of a common occurrence for him over the weekend, and the RiverRats followed suit, jumping out to an early lead that they held for much of the game. Scott Thomas found his swing early in the day, knocking three hits into right field to lead the Rats.
Fischer started his tournament play by coming through with a gritty pitching performance, scattering hits and stranding runners as the offense kept piling on the runs. He also contributed a 3-4 day at the plate, as well as three runs in the effort.
In the bottom of the fifth, with runners on first and second and leading 8-5, RiverRats left center fielder Nick Lapworth, fresh off another night of safe non-sex with close friend Jinny, stepped to the plate. Uncoiling on a low pitch from a Blackouts relief pitcher, Lapworth crushed a drive high into the Thai sky.
“Low and outside – just the way I like it!” yelled Hamilton Porter.
The runners retreated to their bases and admired the long shot. After what felt like an eternity, the home plate umpire yelled “infield fly,” and the ball landed at shallow shortstop. In the confusion, Poul Karlshoej ran towards second. Hearing about Karlshoej’s “crushing” from the night before, second base runner Thomas scampered towards third. The play that ensued, nicknamed the “Three [intellectually and developmentally disabled]” by coach Harris Vertlieb, turned into a rare softball triple play. Thomas was thrown out by the shortstop, who simply picked up the ball in front of him and tossed it to third. Karlshoej, who, like Scotty Smalls, ran through second base and forgot to turn, was then tagged out in shallow left field.
Despite the mishap, the RiverRats, perhaps because they won by mercy rule 17-5 in the fifth inning, managed to not collapse late in the game.
The victory put the Rats at 1-4 in round-robin play and, due to their run differential, allowed them to secure the coveted fourth rank coach Vertlieb had been aiming for all along going into Toilet Bowl tournament play.
Brewerkz RiverRats Lose in Toilet Bowl Semifinal Game, Get “Taste of Victory”
Thai Polo Club, Pattaya, Thailand – The Brewerkz RiverRats went into the double-elimination Toilet Bowl tournament in strong position to take home some hardware. With a first round bye, the Rats entered the tournament well rested and ready to play game two.
“This is the big game,” mumbled Mumbles, scrutinizing his notes. “Win now, we head to the pool.”
Round 2: Shanghai Blackouts 16 – Brewerkz RiverRats 15
With a favorable matchup for the Brewerkz RiverRats against the Shanghai Blackouts, a team they defeated by mercy rule just hours before, the Rats looked to head into Sunday with no losses in the double-elimination Toilet Bowl bracket.
But the Blackouts refused to be knocked around again. They mounted a lead in the very first inning, and put the RiverRats on their heels.
In their half of the first, the Rats came back with a few of their own, again led by leadoff hitter Donnelly Edmond, who crushed a home run to right after some chin music by Blackouts pitcher.
Rats’ Pitcher Erik Anderson settled down during the remainder of the game, stranding Blackout runners in every inning. But the Rats couldn’t find the knockout blow, and the nagging Blackouts kept the score tight. The back-and-forth game continued throughout, and the Rats found themselves up by four in the bottom of the seventh.
With two outs, the Rats couldn’t have been more confident with their late-inning track record. But the Blackouts quickly loaded the bases, and the next batter roped a line drive to deep right field. Due to a glaring sun, no it was a strong wind, no maybe the shine of our bus driver’s winning smile, wait perhaps it was “Moves Like Jagger” playing for the 17th time that day, the ball soared up and over the RiverRats right fielder, leading to a home run and a 15-15 tie after seven.
“Free softball!” exclaimed Pun, a longtime softball fan.
The RiverRats scored two in their half of extras, though they stranded a bases loaded opportunity. But, in the bottom of the eighth, the Blackouts, much like the lady boys on Walking Street at 4AM, got aggressive. Quickly bringing the runner placed on second base in extra innings home for a run, and, after moving runners around to second and third, the Blackouts delivered the walk-off two-RBI hit into the left field gap to end the game.
Round 3: Brewerkz RiverRats 12 – Saigon Monkeys 7
Facing elimination, the Brewerkz RiverRats dug deep in their second game of Toilet Bowl play to take a victory against the Saigon Monkeys. Sammy Vatrano went 4-4 on the game, Dan Brod added three hits of his own, and Erik Diakun continued his hitting dominance, as the RiverRats controlled a 12-7 victory, knocking the Monkeys out of the tournament and into the go-go bars. Pitcher Mark Fischer had another strong performance and brought his record to 2-0 on the day.
“It was nice to get that monkey off our backs. Get it? Did you see what I did right there? Because their team name is Monkeys. Nevermind. I can’t do anything right.” Said left center fielder Nick Lapworth.
The RiverRats celebrated their victory with a much-needed bottle of tequila on the bus ride back. Out of consideration, the bus driver didn’t exceed 19 km/h, so as to make time for the team to finish all their alcohol and get ready for Sunday’s play.
Round 4: Brewerkz RiverRats 12 – Tokyo Coco Bay Stingrays 11
Down a starting left and left center fielder due to a severe lack of dedication, the Brewerkz RiverRats entered Sunday’s play with some new faces on the field. Stalwart pitcher Mark Fischer, though, again took the mound and remained clutch for the home team.
Fischer kept the game tight throughout, as the Rats clawed their way back from deficits, but still found themselves down 11-10 going into the bottom of the seventh. Fully aware of what it takes to make a late-inning comeback due to their four losses under similar circumstances, the Rats came to bat. With Fischer leading off the inning, pinch-running specialist Eric Levy laced up his spikes. Needing to get Levy's blazing speed on the bases, Fischer tried to beat out a grounder to third, but just came up short.
Donnelly Edmond, though, picked up the slack, as he launched a long home run bomb to right center field to tie the game. Later in the inning, with Ronbo Bacher on first, third base coach Harris Vertlieb knew what needed to be done. As Ronbo approached second on a groundball to shallow right field, Vertlieb waved him around. The Stingray right fielder airmailed the ball over third and out of play, allowing Ronbo to advance and score the winning run.
Coach Vertlieb mumbled a response, incoherent over his team’s cheers when asked about his bold move.
Fischer moved to 3-0 on the tournament with the tough victory.
Round 5: Shanghai Boozerz 25 – Brewerkz RiverRats 5
The Brewerkz RiverRats were dominated in every aspect of play in their round 5 game against the Shanghai Boozerz. With the mercy rule in effect after five innings, the RiverRats were put out of their misery and sent packing early, 25-5.
Bill Lafferrandre and Geraint Williams both had solid at-bats in the loss.
“Mine went further. Bill owes me a midget,” Said Williams.
It was a disappointing close to an otherwise successful tournament, but coach Harris Vertlieb wouldn’t be dismayed.
“If you play and win on Sunday, you’ve had a taste of victory,” he pronounced to his team after the deflating loss.
At the conclusion of the tournament, RiverRats shortstop Donnelly Edmond received a much-deserved spot on the All-Tournament Team, justifying his decision to delay his flight back to Chengdu. His leadership on and off the field, and dedication to the Rats, was unrivaled.
In the team category, the RiverRats were honored with the award for Most Soapys.
Next year, the RiverRats will make another attempt at Bangkok International Softball Tournament glory, going for some hardware this time.
Special thanks to coach Harris Vertlieb and Eric “Dog” Levy for setting everything up and getting everyone down to Pattaya and onto the field. Taking care of the planning for an event like this can be a thankless position, but we all appreciate their effort and leadership. Also thanks to Pu and Pun for coming out and supporting the Rats all weekend. Honorable mention to Pat, who despite not making it out to the field to cheer, did leave Erik Anderson with a Singapore-red rash on his arm in support of the team.
I’m sure there were others that helped plan (thankless…), so thanks to those people, as well. And, above all, I appreciate you all welcoming me to the team; I had a great time.
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